Is it Ethical to Earn Money Off of Your Abuse?

2018 was full of stories of abuse. It was the year of the #MeToo movement, and multiple stories of celebrities like R Kelly, Donald Trump, Jacob Hoggard, and Bill Cosby. (These were only a few of the headliners in Canada)

All of these men were accused of sexual abuse- and the victims voiced their personal experiences. Maybe the victims earned money for their disclosure, and maybe they didn’t. I don’t follow their stories closely enough to know.

But, no matter if money was given to the survivors or not, their stories were told. They were described in detail-publicly.

I will tell you, as a victim and survivor of past abuse, one of the most emotionally traumatizing things you have to face, is to TELL THE STORY.

“She is just trying to make a profit off of her abuse”

Pixabay Photo

Re-Living the Shame

It is traumatic and horrifying enough, to go through an act of being victimized. The loss of your own control, the feelings of being violated, shamed, and dirty, will forever play over and over in your mind, like a movie that ages over time. Yet, the movie stays within you.

You try and empty your heart and dignity of it, yet it stays in your memory, relentlessly reminding you that you were used for someone else’s sick pleasure. You may make efforts to get rid of the disgust, that you hold in your psyche, but it never truly goes away.

The souvenirs of abuse are self-doubt, shame, loss of self-worth, loss of dignity, regret, weakness, fear, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, grief, hatred, and sadness. It sucks more than anyone would ever comprehend. And if it happens to you, as a child, it will throw your life into a spiraling hell, if you let it take over.

But you know what’s worse than the actual ACT of being abused?

Retelling it. Reliving it.

Going back through time, and allowing the words to come out, that match the torment, and the loss of your innocence and dignity. Trying to use descriptive words, and imagery to make “someone” understand how it feels to be a victim. Not only do you have to go back to that awful place, but you have to explain and describe it to others, in a way that they can visualize and empathize with. And, the catch, is knowing that they will DOUBT YOU. They will JUDGE YOU and they will WONDER if you are actually telling the truth?

The descriptive words that victims must share, in order to tell their stories in ways that others can comprehend, is the worst feeling in the world. They ask questions like, “How did he touch you? What did he touch you with? Were you naked? Did he have his penis out? Did you consent to it? Can you remember what he said to you, as he was rubbing his penis? Tell me what you were doing before this happened. Did you invite him in?”

And then the other difficult questions, “Did you have an orgasm? Can you tell me what time of day this happened? Were you under the influence of alcohol or drugs? Did he ejaculate? What were you wearing when he saw you? Did you encourage his behaviour? Can you describe what his body looked like? Did he penetrate you, vaginally?”

These types of questions are asked by police officers, if you report. Then they are asked by therapists, who are trying to help you. If you have to go to court, you have to tell your story ALL OVER AGAIN, in front of jury members,lawyers, and the congregated spectators in the courtroom. Not only do you have to tell your story, but you are reminded over and over again, to “Please speak loud enough for the court to hear”.

As you speak, “loud enough”, you have a room full of strangers looking at you squirm in your seat, and fight back tears. You are enveloped in your own memories, and the attached emotional blaze. You shake, and you want to scream. Words come out of your mouth and you wonder if they are actually your voice. You are ashamed, embarrassed and angry. It is the place of the most discomfort you will ever feel.

And they are all JUDGING you. The lawyers and jury are trying to determine if YOU are telling the truth. The criminal lawyer is challenging you, and trying to trip you up on your story to prove that the predator is innocent. At moments, you are full of self-doubt, wondering if it ever actually happened at all, or if it was just a nightmare that you woke from. You sweat, you struggle to listen to the questions thrown at you, and you try to maintain your composure while your predator is staring at you from their seat.

It is one of the most difficult and tormenting processes that any victim will ever endure. And this is why many victims will not come forward. We are all scrutinized, as listeners wonder if we are making up stories for vengeance or for attention. It is even worse when the monsters are famous or community “pillars”. People look at you with “the look of indignation” as if they don’t believe that such a wonderful person could ever harm another human, let alone abuse them.

The process of disclosure adds fuel to a fire that burns inside of victims. It changes an ever-burning ember, into an inferno, combined with an emotional tornado. Once it is formed into words that emit from your voice, it goes from a memory to reality. It is no longer your dirty secret.

“ She is using her story for financial gain”

Photo-Pixabay

My Experiences

The experiences of abuse and mental torture that I endured as a child, resulted in my re-telling and re-living it all- OVER AND OVER AGAIN. There were times when I felt I was reciting a script from a play. It felt rehearsed and unreal.

I never told anyone about my father, uncle and sister’s abuse toward me, until I was a teenager. I carried it all around inside me, as an ever-burning flame, until I finally snapped.

On a fall evening, I was getting ready to go with my friends to a school dance. We were in grade 9. I had gone into my bedroom to change into my best hand me down clothes and to try and look “pretty”, in hopes that a boy would dance with me. As I was getting dressed, my sister came into my room, and called me “ugly”.

She is 6 years older than I am, and an abuse survivor as well. She found some kind of solace in abusing me, to get through her own struggles.

Her words stung, but I tried to ignore her. Long story, that will be shared another time, resulted in her hitting me, and shoving me. I fell against my bed and earned a giant black bruise on my face. She laughed at me and told me, “You are even more ugly now”.

She left my room, laughing. My two best friends came to pick me up for the dance an hour later, and I was in my room, sobbing. They came in to comfort me, and as they both sat on my bed, I disclosed EVERYTHING.

I told them about my dad, my uncle, my sister, my sister’s friend who tried to rape me, and every other thing that spewed through my tears. They both looked at me, with my freshly bruised face, in absolute horror. They had known my family since we were 5 years old, and I wondered if they believed me.

One of those best friends sat holding my hand in court, when we were 28 years old. She watched my uncle and dad go to jail, at my side. We sobbed in each other’s arms that day.

Throughout my teen and adult life, I finally found my voice and re-told my story to councilors, therapists, my boyfriend (turned husband), my mother in law, and other close friends, before the inevitable report to the police, and 3 ensuing trials.

“ She is lying to make money”

Photo -Pixabay.com

This is Not Everyone’s Story

Some victims are capable of going straight to the police after they are victimized. Others will hold their story in, long enough to process, before they disclose to someone who they trust enough to listen. Others, like me, will pack the pain down, deep inside their soul, until they explode and it all comes billowing out in black smoke.

In order to survive, YOU HAVE TO TELL IT.

You have to purge it all out. Keeping it festering and smouldering inside of you, will chronically damage you. It will eat you up from the inside.

It is never easy to go back, and find the words to match the horror, but you have to make it known that you were violated. In order for the predator to get out of your life, you need to find your voice. You are most likely saving more people from their abuse, AND you are saving yourself-even if it doesn’t feel that way. Once it is outside of you, and written on paper, or voiced, it is as though a thousand-pound weight is removed from your soul.

“ She is trying to get rich from her alleged abuse”

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Profit

One of the most amusing accusations I have received from all of my work and pain came from a family member.

The accusation was, “She is just trying to make a profit off of her abuse”.

So, let me get this straight.

Does someone honestly believe that I have re-lived, retold, recounted, re-enacted, and revisited the abusive attacks from people I trusted, in order to make MONEY?

How does money even play into this grim picture?

Do you truly believe that ANY amount of money will repay me in my dignity, loss of innocence and fucked up mental health? Money will never give me back my childhood, nor will it flush out the souvenirs that my abusers have left in my soul.

Only people who have never been abused could look at the struggles of a victim, and make a judgement call, like I am looking for financial gain. I always say, “If you haven’t lived the story, then shut up and read it. If you don’t read it, you have no right to judge the book”.

I never chose the stories I write. I would love to write about how my childhood was all ponies and pinwheels- but I didn’t have that choice. That choice was taken from me, and if I want to write about my childhood, and the characters of my story, I will.

I will write MY story. I will share my past, as I see fit. I will also reach out publicly and disclose what has happened to me, in order to help other victims.That is truly my decision.

My abusers may have taken my control and power away from me, as an innocent child, but be damned if they will strip me of my voice, and my own choices as an adult.

Just like my father and uncle, and even my sister, made the choice to make me their sex toy and punching bag, when I was a little girl, I am MAKING MY CHOICE, to share my story, try and help others, and snuff out my inner fire.

If I make a few dollars off of it in the process, it’s because I damn well deserve it. I have worked so much harder than ANY of my abusers, and if I can earn ANYTHING from it, I firmly believe that it is WELL DESERVED.

If it is unethical for me to “make a profit” from my story, perhaps my abusers shouldn’t have given me the horror story to write.

If you have been abused, or victimized-TELL YOUR STORY. Never let the judgments and accusations stop you. Even if you have to tell someone confidentially, like a therapist, or best friend, get it out.

If you can write your story, and make a profit in doing so, do it.

You deserve anything you earn, by pulling out of your ashes and working through the pain. It’s YOUR story. Your abusers willingly chose their legacy-It is up to you to choose yours.

Here is more of my story:Saving the Next Generation from Family Abuse is Not Easy, but it Needs to Be Done
There is no worse punch to the throat, or a middle finger being thrust in your face, than one by a family member.medium.com